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A Valentine Gift Worth Giving: The Benefit of the Doubt

  • Caroline Saunders
  • February 7, 2022
two people in love give the benefit of the doubt
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two people in love give the benefit of the doubt

As we faithfully engage the world around us, offenses are inevitable, even with those who love us dearly. But when an offense occurs, we have the opportunity to offer the gift of the benefit of the doubt and do the holiest work there is—love.

This post was originally published by The Joyful Life on February 12th, 2019 and has been updated for 2022.

My husband had come home from a long day of work. The kids were already in bed, his dinner was cold, and so was his wife. Not literally, just in her soul. With every minute that ticked away on the clock, I’d transformed from happy Caroline into a true ice queen, with death icicles that shot out from my eyes like lasers. He was very late, and I took it very personally. Two steps in the door, he looked at me apologetically as his phone rang again. I made plans to go full-on Elsa the second that phone call was finished.

But as I listened to his half of the conversation, I was struck: Oh man, he’s been through a lot today. Not only that, but it was clear his late arrival had nothing to do with me or his affections for me. As my icy heart began to melt, I mentally chastised myself for my lack of compassion. That phone call was God’s grace to me, a forced pause offering me insight into the true nature of his day.

Pausing for Compassion

But what about when we aren’t offered that insight? What about when a friend forgets your birthday or a parent says something that offends you? Or when your pastor fails to greet you in the church lobby, or your kid behaves embarrassingly, and you have no context for why he or she did that?

Friend, in those moments of offense when we are not offered the insight we need to easily extend compassion, we can do something radical: extend compassion anyway. This beautiful gift is called the benefit of the doubt.

I mean, sure, everyone likes chocolate, fuzzy socks, and the heart candies that taste like chalk (okay, maybe we don’t really like those). But truly, the best gift you can give someone for Valentine’s Day—or any day—is the benefit of the doubt.

The benefit of the doubt is the common grace displayed in our judicial system (“innocent until proven guilty”) but without that sticky business of trying to build a case and prove guilt. Essentially, it is a generous presumption of innocence accompanied by a refusal to investigate. The benefit of the doubt says: He probably didn’t mean it that way. She didn’t intend to hurt my feelings. They probably weren’t trying to be malicious.

Offering the benefit of the doubt might feel like one of the steps in How to Become a Doormat, but it’s actually a strong, gospel-centered act for three reasons:

The Benefit of the Doubt Is an Act of Humility

When we offer the benefit of the doubt, it is our humble acknowledgment that only God can see the heart (1 Samuel 16:17). Presuming that we understand others’ motivations for their behavior, puts us in dangerous devil territory, because it means we think we are like God. Pride is at work because though the Bible teaches that God is the only judge, we have set ourselves up as judge (James 4:12). When we humbly offer our offender the benefit of the doubt, we recognize God’s rightful place on the judicial bench. We recognize our rightful place as His faithful servant, called to love, redeemed only by His grace.

When we humbly offer our offender the benefit of the doubt, we recognize God's rightful place on the judicial bench, and we recognize our rightful place as His faithful servant, called to love, redeemed only by His grace.

caroline saunders Tweet

The Benefit of the Doubt Is a Reflection of God’s Grace

In the parable of the unmerciful servant (Matthew 18:21-35), a man fails to be generous in a small way when he himself has received exponential generosity. To this man, the master angrily says, “You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should you not have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?” When we generously refuse to hold offense against another person, it honors God and is a small reflection of the favor we ourselves have received from Him. If you are struggling to extend grace to another, consider: Do I fully grasp the grace that God has extended to me? Oh, what a worthwhile pursuit it is to investigate God’s grace towards us!

The Benefit of the Doubt Is Freeing

The mental work it takes to build a case against someone and to bear the anger the perceived offense warrants is like Cross-Fit for your soul—really exhausting. Your soul has important work to do, but it is not this work. When you refuse to do that particular heavy lifting, you free your energy for what actually matters: loving God and loving others. Both parties benefit from the gift of the benefit of the doubt. The offender is unburdened from explanation and free to enjoy relationship with you, if appropriate. And you are free to rest in the grace you have in Christ and enjoy relationship with Him and your offender, if appropriate. Furthermore, you have the freedom to pursue the better work of ministering to them. “How have you been doing?” may be just the question to ask to uncover the hardships they are facing.

As we faithfully engage the world around us, offenses are inevitable, even with those who love us dearly. But when an offense occurs, we have the opportunity to offer the gift of the benefit of the doubt and do the holiest work there is—love.

THE HOLIEST WORK IS LOVE

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV).

That night when God convicted me to do the hard, holy work of love, I put down my ice queen crown, my anger, and demands for explanation. Instead, I offered my husband the affection and safety he needed. Somehow that night, our home felt brighter and warmer. The shift in atmosphere was a palpable lesson. The benefit of the doubt is often the best gift I can give.

The benefit of the doubt is often the best gift I can give.

caroline saunders Tweet

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Caroline Saunders

Caroline Saunders is a writer, pastor's wife, and mother of three who believes in taking Jesus seriously and being un-serious about nearly everything else. She loves serving women and girls through writing, through her church, and through a parachurch women's ministry she started with her best friends called Story & Soul. Her LifeWay Girls study Better Than Life: How to Study the Bible and Like It released Fall 2020. Find her writing, resources, and ridiculousness at WriterCaroline.com and on Instagram. 

8 comments
  1. Susan Hoekstra says:
    February 12, 2019 at 7:43 pm

    Awesome article! The biggest reason to give others the benefit of the doubt, especially fellow believers, is because of the mercy God extends to us. Too often I’ve heard people justify decisions because “they deserve it” when reality tells us we deserve punishment. But our God extends mercy anyway. So let’s spread mercy to others?

    Reply
    1. Caroline Saunders says:
      February 7, 2022 at 11:07 am

      Very encouraged, Susan. Thank you for reading!

      Reply
  2. The Art of Being Whole - joanne says:
    February 13, 2019 at 4:37 am

    The benefit of the doubt that I have received has transformed my marriage. Never underestimate the power of humble love!

    Reply
    1. Caroline Saunders says:
      February 7, 2022 at 11:07 am

      Joanne, what a beautiful testimony!

      Reply
  3. Hester Vroon says:
    February 14, 2019 at 7:26 pm

    I’ve learnt so much today. Hard to do but the freedom and joy it brings is immeasurable!

    Reply
    1. Caroline Saunders says:
      February 7, 2022 at 11:06 am

      So true, Hester!

      Reply
  4. Jenna Schroeder says:
    February 7, 2022 at 6:46 am

    I loved this article. What a new take on grace, in a very tangible way. Thank you!!

    Reply
    1. Caroline Saunders says:
      February 7, 2022 at 11:06 am

      Thank you for reading, Jenna!

      Reply

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