Being a Boy Mom: 3 Strategies to Help You Not Lose Your Boy Mama Mind

ALLOWING OUR BOYS TO BE BOYS

So how do we embrace their different-from-me ways, not as wrong, but as who they were created to be? In our endeavor to raise good, respectful humans, how do we also allow our boys to be boys? 

As our family grew from one to two to three boys and I settled into my all-boy family, sometimes I felt frustrated by what I saw as ‘limitations’ with having ‘only’ boys. There were no peaceful afternoons of coloring or completing crafty kits with beads and pom poms. Our truncated sessions ended with my kitchen table looking like wild animals broke in. If we went on a picnic, those little tushies had a hard time touching the blanket for more than a minute or two—or maybe four if there were cookies. For a few of those years, we didn’t even take beach chairs to the beach, as we knew there would be no sitting.

In those moments of frustration, I had a choice to make: I could dwell on what felt ‘wrong’ and frustrating. Or, I could embrace those differences and celebrate the wonder and joy of what our life did look like. 

As I learned to do that, I began to see that my ‘right’ way could be altered. While we still expected obedience as we aim to raise respectful, Jesus-loving, decent humans, we learned to offer them the freedom to be boys. We chose to encourage their natural ways of experiencing things. 

Making an Intentional Shift

It was intentional, this shift from living in frustration to embracing wonder. As we began the shift, our parenting lightened. We could embrace endless hole-digging in the sand, admire their willingness to pick up a crab (um, no way, thanks), or appreciate their reasons for putting glitter on dinosaurs (to make them shiny prey for the T-rex, of course…).

We allowed bath time to be rough and tumble and splash-y. And we removed having a goal for taking a walk, filling the time with running in circles and finding sticks—and yes, sometimes running with sticks. Our days were planned around outside time and their need to move their bodies and stretch their legs. Coloring and craft time was short. And messy. And short. Shopping? Unless they were buckled in a cart, just no.

Did doing things ‘their way’ make it hard sometimes? Yes. Sometimes it still does. As we planned my oldest’s senior pictures, we did not shop for clothing together. We are both still traumatized from the Fitting Room Incident at Children’s Place in 2009. Instead, I went shopping, bought a bunch of options, and he tried them on from home, which was far more enjoyable for us both.

EMBRACING DIFFERENT

Once we make room in our hearts to understand that their way isn’t wrong, we can celebrate how God has wired our boys. But they’ll still drive us a little crazy sometimes. So here are some strategies to help embrace their different.

1. Stop Asking Why 

You know the whys: “Why is this basketball on my kitchen table? Why did you decide to run outside in your socks? And why aren’t you dressed yet? Why is the towel there? 

Years ago, one of my dearest friends told me to stop asking why, and it changed everything. Asking why isn’t going to solve the mystery that is boy. I will never quite understand how their brains work. And honestly? Even if they knew why (which they probably don’t), their answer won’t fix what’s making us crazy. 

Instead, we learned to skip the why and move straight to instructional redirects. Rather than ask, “Why is this basketball on my kitchen table?” shift to saying, “Please don’t bring the basketball in the house.” Instead of, “Why did you run outside in your socks?” instead tell him, “Take off your socks or put on your shoes, but don’t run in your socks.” (And, as he gets older, make him buy his own socks!)

This approach moves us from criticizing with our words to teaching and reminding what is acceptable—and limits the critic in our minds. Trust me, it’s less maddening for everyone.

2. Go With it

What if, instead of comparing their way to ours, we tried doing things their way? What if, sometimes, we just went with it? Then maybe we would lessen the gap between our polarizing points of view on how to do things—because for most things, there isn’t one way. (Though I hold sacred the one and only correct process for loading the dishwasher.)

Let’s hop on the Costco cart and ride it. Let’s paint a messy, sloppy, all-the-colors painting. And let’s taste what it’s like to live their way. In doing so, maybe we’ll discover that the ‘boy way’ isn’t all that bad. At the very least, we’re sure to be in for an adventure, and perhaps we’ll even begin thinking that their way is right.

3. Help Them Succeed

Once we better understand how our boys approach life, we can enter the spaces outside the walls of our homes from a new perspective. As my boys grew, and I better understood them, I learned to be more intentional about preparing them for situations and circumstances where they had less freedom. 

For example, if we were going to the doctor’s office or church, it helped if they could stretch their legs and run first. When our school’s half-day kindergarten eliminated recess, on nice days we stopped at the park on the way to school for some ‘be crazy’ time, so his day went more smoothly. Before getting in the car for long stretches, or to help them calm down, we created a game for them to go run laps around the backyard. (They loved it.)

Not only can we celebrate and applaud how our boys are wired, we can also plan ahead to help them succeed in places where their freedom to be boys might be limited. 

BEING WHO WE WERE MADE TO BE

“So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ’s body, let’s just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren’t” (Romans 12:4-6, The Message Translation). 

We mamas know that we’ve each been gifted with different strengths and talents and gifts. We’re accustomed to embracing and celebrating differences when we are part of groups at church, or when we’re in small groups, or when we minister together with others. We’re aware that He has created us to serve and fill different purposes in His body.

What we can overlook, though, is that it’s the same within our families. Our boys are inherently created to be different from us, each with specific gifts and strengths.

If we believe that God has created each of us for a purpose, then we will see this journey of raising our sons as a discovery of who they are. If we believe that they are created to be unlike anyone else, we’ll empower them to step toward what they’ve been created to do. And if we believe their differences are excellently formed and marvelously functioning, then we’ll choose to celebrate them.

Boy mama friend, let’s lift up these boys, encouraging them to be who they were made to be, even and especially, when that’s different from us.